Heybabeimwearingurpanties
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
