Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
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Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
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I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?