last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Randomize
