If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Woke up backwards on a recliner
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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