I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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