it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
