My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
