So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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