listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
