So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize