and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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