he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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