it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
