He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
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He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
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So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.