There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
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Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
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I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.