jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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