there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
no more duck duck goose at the bar
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
