She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
