either way he was missing a nipple.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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