Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
