We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
