If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
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