I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
