I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
3pm strippers are depressing
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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