I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
