the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
