i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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