just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize