sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
nutella sex= disaster
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I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
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I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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