Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
