i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
