I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
