He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
