found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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