i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
