My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I understand Curling. That high.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
