i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
