if i can run in heels then i can drive
everyone is single if you try hard enough
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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