When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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