He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
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