We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
