I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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