My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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