I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
