You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
