three words: i give head
three words: not that well
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
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Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
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There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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