I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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