I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
