i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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