stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
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Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize