He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
