my soul wont recognize me after tonight
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
