Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
