my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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