I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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