Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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