how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
