Yo dont text me then not text me
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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