I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Randomize
