I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
