I think my vagina is haunted
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
