I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
