nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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